After discovering that the systems meant to protect my children were failing us, I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and apply to family court. What follows is the story of that first hearing - what I knew, what I didn’t, and how it felt to finally be believed

What happened after my children reported child abuse was nothing more than a Netflix psychological drama - without the hot detective to fall in love with me.

On that first day, when those first disclosures were shared with me, those first signs and words, I called the NSPCC. 

What do you do when you face emotional abusers in your workplace?

How do you react when you can see a manager or colleague in the same patterns as your domestic abuser (or 2)?

I feel pleased I can spot it, almost laugh at the familial patterns and have strength in the knowledge, but seeing the trite attempts to make me feel stupid, triangulate as a power play with colleagues and turn on the charm when cold eyes are the norm, have an effect.

How do you keep the energy and motivation? I have visions of being all Lorelai Gilmore — quick-witted, spritely — but it’s hard to maintain.

I feel bone tired again. It doesn’t take long after the school holidays or a long Easter weekend. A week ago, I felt refreshed and rejuvenated. This week, I’ve been dealing with a multitude of things, and even my ADHD brain is struggling to prioritise what bit of life admin (read: school complaint) I need to do next.

CPTSD is cruel, debilitating, life changing and exhausting. It is also incredibly expensive. Particularly when all three of us had/have it.

For me, aside from the years of excess red wine and Marlboro, which I’ve now thankfully been able to escape from, I’ve only been able to recover from PTSD through an amalgam of many elements.

The most surprising thing — something I couldn’t have even fathomed — was that when it all happened, my relationship with my children shifted.

There were, of course, my own feelings: shock, anger, disgust — a lot of that.
And then guilt. The mother-guilt. How did I let this happen?

I told my dad to get me some Marlboro. I was shaking uncontrollably, even though it was a warm summer day. My body was ice-cold. Numb.

I knew Liam had mental health issues. But not this.

I’ve just been out for a dog walk… and am now covered in bird shit, it is supposed to be lucky, but all over my shirt, my hair although thankfully my baseball hat was saved. It just really sums up the week, I think.

One of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face is this: how do you parent when your child’s been abused? How do you know when to give consequences? How do you know when they might be using their trauma to their advantage in classic teen fashion?

A senior social worker actually said that to me.

He said that to me as I was questioning if I should let their father see them whilst the disclosures were still ambiguous.

Over the first few months of the girls disclosures I felt like I was living in 'Sleeping with the Enemy'. The girls told me more and more, they draw pictures, they acted out what he did and every time I would report new developments I was told to stop. I was told I was emotionally abusing the children

Summer 2023. Since Court reopened, Lola who is by now 13 is struggling to process the abuse she suffered. She started hanging around with the wrong crowd and I would be getting weekly calls from the School regarding her 'choices'.

As part of Court Part 2 - where we are lining up for a Fact Finding Hearing (Trial) to agree future contact arrangements, any party can apply for a Part 25 which is a request for professional expert (psychological in my case) assessment of the child in order to determine what is in the best interest of the child.

When my youngest daughter was 3 she started to disclose to my mother and I that her father with whom I had separated was sexually abusing her. This was nearly 6 years ago and after 2.5 years in the family court he was found culpable. I have spent the last 3 years rebuilding our lives the best way that I can, but now, because he is demanding more time with my youngest daughter (the eldest likes to think of him as dead and he was called Voldemort by her for some years) we are back in the court system.

I have a distinct memory of calling Lola on the second night., I was at a black tie dinner but as I went outside to speak to her she was hysterical, screaming for me to come home. Of course I had no idea why. I felt trapped knowing that they weren’t happy when they were with him but I had no idea why or grounds to stop it.