How do you manage a ‘gracious but good fight’, amidst the mental load and actualities of life?

How do you keep the energy and motivation? I have visions of being all Lorelai Gilmore — quick-witted, spritely — but it’s hard to maintain.

I feel bone tired again. It doesn’t take long after the school holidays or a long Easter weekend. A week ago, I felt refreshed and rejuvenated. This week, I’ve been dealing with a multitude of things, and even my ADHD brain is struggling to prioritise what bit of life admin (read: school complaint) I need to do next.

There’s an overwhelming lack of support and empathy at school for Lola, whose attendance is averaging about 40%. It can’t be long before I get the knock on the door with my summons to the magistrates’ court — although, that’s the least of my worries.

And then there are the usual daily debilitations: hayfever, money worries, wondering how I can fit in the gym. Although, I did manage to do a lot of washing — now I have a spare room full of clean clothes in jumble-sale fashion.

And then there are the lesser-known side effects of domestic abuse.

I have chronic back ache and jaw tension from the stress. But finding time to get to body pump or yoga is near impossible. Making time for my physical health means even less time with my children - which, as a single, full-time working mother who commutes, says a lot.

After a 12–14 hour day, I come home to a trashed house because the dog has been in the bin again — leading to a sleepless night thanks to the inevitable stomach upset. My children, dealing with depression, ADHD, and teenage-ness, aren’t in any place to help. The house looks like a real-life slum. I’ve learned to leave the mess and use yoga or meditation to block out the fact our hallway looks like a favela.

But it’s the fighting that takes the most out of me - the fighting for them. I will never stop, but I am getting more and more drained. The complaints, the emails, the follow-ups - they all take time and energy.

ChatGPT is a godsend, but the last time I submitted a complaint to school without much editing (after Chat added the relevant legislation), I felt like a dick when I was challenged - the AI formatting was obvious. But it did the job. And sometimes, that's all that matters.

It’s ironic: the children who have lived through domestic violence, who need their sole parent or carer more than ever, often end up having less of their time.

I remember walking around like an extra in Twilight - scared, panicked, spending every evening working on court papers. Now, post-court, the fatigue is still there — adrenal, emotional, intellectual. The system still doesn’t believe me. And time that should be with my kids is eaten up by school complaints, meetings, and admin.

It was only a year ago that the last fact-finding hearing ended. Every weekend and evening in the months before had been taken up with prep, drafting, re-drafting legal arguments. And then delays - always delays, as the abuser used every tactic in the book.

So, back to the bad back.

I don’t have time for the gym, but for the past 18 months I’ve been plunging in my cold pod (and the MyoChiller I bought recently changed my life). Cold dipping gives me the dopamine hit and calm I need to get them to school (or at least try), and walking the dog - despite the bin raids - really has changed our lives.

I’m sure that if you’re here reading this, this is also you.

I didn’t want this post to come across as whiny - but it might. It’s the tiredness.
But I wanted to acknowledge this for all of us: it’s hard, gruelling, and relentless.