My ‘body keeps the score’ - post family court adrenal fatigue

Over the last few days, I’ve felt the adrenal fatigue that comes from facing my eldest daughter’s pain and suffering as she fights to get out of a particularly bad CPTSD episode.

Trying to get her into school, even for an hour, has taken immense strength from both of us.

I can tell the adrenal signs - the build-up of stress and cortisol has such physical effects: an aching body, decreased brain function (for example, I both turned up to Body Pump in my UGGs and put a dishwasher tablet in the washing machine yesterday), backache as the adrenals hit my kidneys, and depression.

Each time, it worries me - will this be the time I don’t recover? Will this be the time it catches up with me?

I do all of the things: stopped my once-beloved red wine (which, to be fair, was necessary), go to acupuncture, exercise — but when I’m in it, it’s hard to do those things. I find myself increasingly reaching for pick ‘n’ mix or strawberry laces, chasing sugar hits to carry me an hour or two more.

I know I need to give in to it, do as little as possible — which still amounts to a lot as a full-time working single parent, with weekends taken up in my role as teen taxi and everything else.

But this is nothing compared to the court years, when it was truly frightening.

All of my adrenaline pumped out of me in the build-up to court: the prep, the fear, and then the actual court days, where “you never know what’s going to happen” rang true every time.

And it wasn’t just the not knowing what would happen — it was facing him. Facing the paedo c**t. Sitting alongside him at the back of the courtroom and feeling the physical revulsion and disgust.

My post-court days would follow a similar trajectory each time: the immediate 24 hours spent assimilating what had happened, what the next steps were, reading the new court order while maintaining a constant alcohol level and doing damn well to embody Jennifer Coolidge’s character in White Lotus.

Then I would plummet - every move I made hurt.

Acupuncture would be booked, yoga if I was able, knowing that The Body Keeps the Score and that the physical effects of Family Court hurt as much as the emotional.

I took solace in Grey’s Anatomy and Brothers and Sisters - as I do now with Parenthood. Immersing myself in the lives of others, without the mental capacity to watch anything new (I still struggle with films - though that might be as much my ADHD).

I write this because, at first, I didn’t understand why I felt as bad as I did. It was frightening. I wanted to know why - wanted to know if I’d fallen prey to MOSAC’s words that I would suffer long-term illness because I was a mother of sexually abused children. At its peak, it would last three to four weeks - each time getting longer and more pronounced.

I know now to give into it, not to fight it, but accept it as part of the healing process - even though it is a damn frustrating one.

I know to find a box set that will absorb me and give me comfort, I know to avoid Vinted (still not winning at that one and have now cowboy boots en route) as I have a predilection to purchase for a glimmer moment, but I also know it will pass.