‘Falling through the cracks' (I have certainly cracked as I have fallen…)
restitution (restɪtjuːʃən , US -tuː- )
uncountable noun
Restitution is the act of giving back to a person something that was lost or stolen, or of paying them money for the loss.
I felt at home immediately - not just because there was a healthy congregation in the vape/smoke area during the breaks, but because people knew me from the second I walked in.
I was at Restitute’s annual conference. With a mission statement ‘We support the people who care for survivors of sexual or violent crime’ I was very much at home.
The room was full - a blend of people with lived experience dotted amongst conference tables of academics, politicians, social workers, and police. And I felt I could breathe. Breathe fully. Candidly tell the warts-and-all truth instead of my usual reserve (I’m used to sharing elements on a need-to-know basis, which normally amounts to: “I was in the Family Courts.”) and it was hosted brilliantly by Jackie Long.
There was no need for pretence. No guard up. Although I did purposefully disassociate with day-job emails during one interview retelling a real-life story that mirrors my own.
Hearing people talk about the wider impact -the financial burden, pressure and stress on the wider family network, physical health issues from chronic stress, self-harm, damaged education and schooling, stigma, broken relationships, career dysfunction, and the ongoing, insurmountable pressures that never stop - was a relief. I finally felt understood. This is an organisation that gets it - the first I’ve found in the eight years since the disclosures.
It’s hard to write about and truly convey the impact, the overwhelming sense of relief from being with kindred souls, as I also felt the pain and the words below are the ones I took away, to share that felt most important.
Standout quotes from the day
“There needs to be someone to explain the process.”
“You need someone to take on the responsibility of translating to the victims.” - BJ Harrington QPM
I felt this so keenly. When you are thrust into an alien world, you need a translator.“We need to take away the shame” Alison Hernandez
“Victims shouldn’t have to wait to be recognised as victims.”
- This isn’t just our children, but us.
“The judgement is an added burden.” Jess Phillips
“Abuse won’t kill you, it’s the shame.” Jess Phillips on stigma
“Illness caused by stress is used against them in care proceedings.”
“A safe child comes from a supported, happy mother.”
“You just need one decent, loving parent.”
“Mothers are called third-party victims, but research has shown they are direct, primary trauma victims - with secondary trauma caused by the systems.” Aisha Howells
“Victims need to hear from the police and children’s services: ‘We believe you.’” Dr Jo Finch
Advice from the day
“Use the Police and Crime Commissioner in your area.” Alison Hernandez
They have oversight — if something is going wrong, they need to know about it.
I found it brutal but brilliant hearing the politicians speak towards the end of the day, and as Cath Pickles closed, leaving the room close to tears, she reminded us to hope.
It was hard in the chaos of life right now to attend, and it sounds cliched, but over a smoke I was hugged with the words ‘don’t worry, you have found your tribe’. And I think I did.
We will never be ‘restituted’ to our former selves, my daughters childhoods will never be returned, but my advice, speak to Restitute. I certainly will be.
XOXO
